This week in the Land of the Brave, I couldn’t help but regularly chuckle into my pap and coffee as the theatre of the absurd unfolded with its quintessential Namibian flavour applied generously and rubbed in firmly.
The ongoing Namcor bail hearing, where the investigator, Oberty Inambao, seemingly went toe-to-toe in 12 brutal rounds with the slickest legal eagle this side of the Orange, one Sisa Namandje, the poster child for Namibian jurisprudence.
Siesa, that is not a compliment.
The verbal jousting wasn’t what social media lawyers hinted was a true clash of titans that only left English brutalised, black and blue and withering in the courtroom corner.
From where I’m uncomfortably shifting on my riempies stoel, it looked more like an overworked but underpaid cop versus a petulant, expensive suit. Will justice prevail, or will the truth remain as elusive as the Prime Minister’s spokespeople?
Who will win this quest for bail? The haphazard, discombobulated case of the State or the phalanx of well-heeled wannabe businessmen and oily officials who may have played huisietjie and monopoly with public resources?
Place your bets now, folks! PSTBet: a free project idea.
LOVE AT LARGE
Then came the social media whispers about the fugitive, the minister and the silence, the juicy tidbits that set social media ablaze like a veld fire in August.
Our youthful Minister of Information, Communication and Technology, Emma Theofelus, found herself entangled in the kind of storyline Thabo Bester would be proud of: the level of drama usually reserved for South American soap operas. Apparently, she and the now-fugitive vermeende fraudster Victor Malima were once an item.
Malima reportedly unceremoniously and without so much as a goodbye kiss left Namibia as he is wanted in connection with the Namcor fuel corruption scandal that saw his comrades seeking bail in a case that potentially involves hundreds of millions of dollars. A warrant for his arrest was issued on charges including corruption and money laundering, and he is believed to have fled to Angola, complicating the prosecution of those involved in the case.
KING OF KITSCH
Malima has been roasted more harshly for his severe lack of taste than his alleged treasonous crimes. Pictures of his supposed northern mansion went viral with its psych ward-inspired architecture and decor. Shows that money can’t buy taste, but it can expose the nouveau riche for their garrulousness.
The kind of brag gatgeit that can cost you your freedom and send the popularity of SterriStumpi through the roof. Lifestyle audit my nou.
I digress.
Now the self-appointed moral guardians are clutching their pearls, demanding answers about the honourable minister’s judgement. If she can’t pick a clean boyfriend, how can she possibly steer the ship of state through the treacherous waters of the digital age? Some wonder if the allure of a ‘soft[er] life’ proved too strong, or if perhaps vetting potential partners wasn’t covered in the ministerial handbook.
But the biggest question the social media sleuths asked, was honourable kaadhona fibbing when she said she’s single and happy in parliament that one time?
Was she between wannabe influential boyfriends then, or was our guy Victor still in the talking stage, or had the thing petered out by then?
What kind of unNamibian drama is this where no one got moered at a housing complex and there wasn’t a wig or expensive handbag that had to be flown in from London?
Facebook investigators are sleeping.
What if it was an active situation at the time of his supposed disappearance? A Cabinet minister should be aware if their love interests are operating cleanly or are being actively investigated, or did she not question how such a young fellow amassed such a wrong house with all those things haphazardly thrown together? Or are we saying that kind of entanglement among our decision-makers should never be questioned?
Should we expect a national confessional denying the rumoured romance, or does the minister have bigger issues to deal with, such as the considerations of the Starlink licence application, alleged to have divided the room at Swapo HQ.
Di’s Windhoek hierso!
ATTENDANCE PRIDE
Meanwhile, in the north, Oshana governor Hofni Ipinge hosted a meeting that can only be described as a resounding success… for those who didn’t attend. The empty chairs whispered tales of disrespect, with some murmuring darkly about his rumoured sexual orientation as the possible cause for the absence. In a nation that prides itself on its hospitality, leaving a governor to address mainly chairs is a new low. Perhaps they mistook it for a Zoom meeting with Nored up to its old tricks again, shedding the connection?
Or perhaps the DSA was just not worth the effort, comrade governor. A whole local council saying no to travel? Unheard of! Maybe the governor should have held the important regional meeting in Swakopmund. Guaranteed full house. Something is rotten in the state of Oshana.
SELFIE
Our esteemed Prime Minister and the Minister of Education then graced another school with their presence, resulting in the kind of photo opportunity that warms the cockles of government PROs. Yet, as ou Clinton Swartbooi so aptly put it, the administration remains “everywhere and also nowhere”.
These surprise visits are about as surprising and impactful as a politician promising free things on the campaign trail. More show than substance, leaving one to wonder if they even remembered to bring toilet or copy paper, let alone actual solutions.
Schools don’t need to be graced with presences; they need more qualified, passionate teachers, actual classrooms with roofs, libraries, textbooks, computer and internet access and proper sports facilities.
On the economic front, the government, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that 51% ownership in new mining ventures is sufficient.
The existing behemoths, it seems, are free to continue their merry extraction, contributing a pittance in taxes and royalties while the land’s riches vanish into offshore accounts. Compulsory beneficiation? Don’t be ridiculous! Why fix what is so spectacularly broken and beneficial to only a select few?
If you still cry about investors’ interests above that of Namibia and Namibians, you’re probably yearning for your lord and saviour Elon Musk’s approval.
Apparently, white supremacist-flavoured internet is just right for Namibia? Oh, and to hell with Black Namibians’ suffering, right? Since apartheid was so long ago and all perpetrators and beneficiaries have paid their reparations in full, ne?
Those genuflecting at the altar of their tech messiah, our local Starlink Warriors, are seemingly oblivious to what it looks like when powerful white men want to bypass local systems for a South African-born overlord in the sky. One can almost hear the faint strains of ‘Die Stem’ in the digital breeze.
America first for them, but Namibia last for us?
Easy there, fellows. The era of the white saviour is gone gone.
So, another week in Namibia, where the absurd is the norm, the serious is ignored, and the potential for a truly functional nation remains a delightful, if distant, fantasy. Until next week, may your airtime be plentiful and your conspiracy theories entertaining!
*Keep your shirt on. This is satire.
