NOT IN WASHINGTON – The Issue can exclusively reveal that a committee of former long-term African rulers have been advising aspiring American strongman Donald Trump behind the scenes.
A tense, bemused uncertainty hangs in the chilly spring air in Washington as analysts attempt to make sense of Trump’s ‘dismantling of 300 years of bureaucracy and a century of soft power’.
The idea of assembling the committee came from Trump himself, inspired by South African comedian Trevor Noah’s 2015 skit portraying Trump as an African dictator. The committee is supposed to serve as a counterbalance to the so-called Paypall Mafia, thought to be a coterie of balding apartheid beneficiaries whose nostalgia for the tear gas-filled good old days has taken root in the upper echelons of American politics.
It is alleged that the flamboyant, silk, gold and ivory adorned former rulers huddled in an exclusive ski resort in Davos, Switzerland.
It is from these lofty heights that they advise Trump to tightly control the army, do away with media, sow the seeds for a third term, abolish term limits, gut universities of funds and capacity, militarise border security and the police, as well as cede control of the economy to the Chinese before installing a son as his successor.
The Swizz Committee, as they are affectionately referred to in the White House, further advised reducing the red tape around political financial backers having unfettered access to government buildings, data and records and dressing it up as an exercise in efficiency.
American immigration officials are ready to roll out a committee-developed programme where anyone not aspiring to look like Trump’s daughter or son is rounded up on the street and deported to the new American for-profit penal colony, El Salvador.
A strategy to circumvent elections entirely, to keep the current rulers in charge, is allegedly also a brainchild of the continent’s once most elected individuals.
The plan to get Trump to run for a third term involves an early campaign based on the line, “the people love the president” to grow consent for the extended stay. One of his sons is currently being groomed by the committee to take over when the president sadly passes away in office as term limits vanish.
While the African Union has kept its counsel on what it sees as the rapid deterioration of the human rights and law and order situation, as well as inexplicable changes in economic strategy, the committee was livid at the “starter pack” nature of Trump’s supposed strong-arm tactics.
It is believed the AU’s economic rapid response unit stands ready to be deployed with a so-called foolproof and oven-ready plan to counter Trump’s tariff-induced reprisals against countries on the basis that he had no idea they existed. An AU senior official described Trump’s administration’s economic cluster as a C-Grade travelling circus powered by jingoism and mythical theory, the likes of which we haven’t seen in Africa since the 1970s.
The planet-wide repercussions of convicted fraudster Trump’s battering ram economic policies, seemingly fashioned out of hate, incompetence and some glitchy AI pilot version, has seen the further demise of the influence of the once mighty empire.
China has almost overnight stopped procuring oil, beef, soybeans, cars, and airplanes in response to Trump’s tariffs but in an unprecedented move, America continues buying iPhones, computers, antibiotics and MAGA shirts and caps. All a genius plan by The Swizz Committee, who have taken control of Trump’s thinking on all things China, as these former presidents all have expertise in getting the most for their people from their friendship with the Asian giant.
When news broke of the Trump administration’s attempts to look strong after their forceful extrajudicial exile of a citizen to a hotel facility in El Salvador, the Swizz Committee swiftly sent a note to Washington.
“Ignore the Supreme Court’s decision as if it’s a road sign in Kampala” was the one line written by the former eminent somebodies.
The committee had allegedly told Trump to declare himself the winner of the November 2024 election regardless of the outcome. Trump had his initial opponent step down roughly 100 days before the election, on account of senility.
The continent’s academics and analysts have pointed to the “truly African” nature of apartheid-era draft dodger Elon Musk’s rise from South African opulence to Trump’s Oval Office. He worked his way up from being an illegal African alien in America to Trump’s sugar daddy, shouting abuse at and blocking access for immigrants.
Because of Musk’s hard work, experts estimate the US presidency now costs around US$350 million but could easily double in the next election as other oligarchs may catch on to how profitable Musk’s model is to gain data on individuals, gut your competitors’ government contracts and steal as much from those as possible.
One of the telltale signs of strong African involvement in Trump’s thinking is the bullying into submission of universities because of their tendency to educate attendees and rob longstanding incumbents of votes.
Trump has further been advised to hold his upcoming military parade across university campuses to further embellish his status as a strongman among his adoring supporters.
Some famous private American universities have been advised by the administration to bestow as many doctorates on the 47th president to make funding them easier. Officials said this was a clear Swizz Committee directive.
An exiled African professor who consults for the Swizz Committee, described Trump’s cabinet as a ragtag motley selection of drunk texters, weirdo white nationalist oligarchs and tribal praise singers. “These people need leadership,” was his scathing assessment before he asked for anonymity for fear of reprisal.
Meanwhile, it is reported that the AU will convene a virtual summit in Malawi on Wednesday (travelling optional) to decide how soon it would have boots on the ground in the US. South Africa, the continent’s leading military power, would head this force. Other military superpowers like Lesotho and Namibia were earlier allegedly clamouring to “intervene immediately” after the fake tan king gutted key industries in those countries with his new vocal tick, tariffs.
This is satire. As are the real-life happenings at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
